Wednesday, 20 March 2013

GRIEVING

Few days have passed... The anger has faded away, along with the despair that made me blame myself of what has happened. I smoothly came through denial, resignation and sadness phases, now - it seems - only lonelyness has left. Friends, as usual, are being most helpful. Their words of comfort and understanding have power to lift up and repair a broken heart. What helped me alot, was also this article here written by our dear Holly from Dashing Hamsters blog, who in a simple and toughtful manner analises the process of mourning. Holly herself has experienced a terrible loss lately (for no reason the both of her two months old hammies left together in their sleep) so her words mean much to me. Especially this fragment brought some peace into my mind:

Finding a pet already gone is different, but no less difficult, than having to decide whether or not to euthanize them if they are ill or hurting. In that situation, as a pet parent it is your responsibility to decide what is best for your pet over what you may feel is best for you. It is easy to let your emotions cloud your judgement, but it is essential that you do assess their quality of life. If they are only going to get worse, if they are living in constant pain, if the bad days are more frequent than the good days than it may be time to help your pet pass peacefully.

[Dealing with Death, Dashing Hamsters Blog by Holly, 2013-02-27 ] 


The pain is getting weaker slowly, and I know one day it will be gone, just like everything in this world. The circle of life will renew itself and - most probably - we will give a loving home to another little fluffy toughie. Sooner or later there will be only love in my heart and sweet memories about Kropeczka The Little Piratess. She was great inspiration so - who knows - maybe one day I'll write down all of those adventurous stories of her that wander my mind and haunt my dreams...? Even though, she will always be missed, just like Lil' Lilly is...

 

Friday, 15 March 2013

KROPECZKA HAS GONE

Barely I can stop crying and there's no peace in my heart right now although I'm trying to believe it was right what we did. This night Kropeczka had her surgery. The vet said that when he cut her open it turned out that there was no place free from cysts on her liver so there was nothing to save anymore and if he woke her up after the surgery, she'd struggle in pain for a short time and wouldn't make it anyway. So we decided not to wake her anymore. Rest in peace, my sweet little furry friend. At least you will no longer suffer. I will carry on the tears for you now.


There are plenty of thoughts and pictures on my mind now, starring our little Kropeczka. I want to believe it was right to try but I saw how frightened she was in the Clinic, I saw the fear in her eye, and despite the vet was the most gentle, I know she must have been scared not having me near in her last moments, because when I was saying my last goodbyes to her, stroking her and kissing for the last time, making a cross sign on her little head, she cuddled her soft ear to my finger as if she was saying: Please, don't leave me here...I feel like I betrayed her and it hurts beyond imagination.

Now all the good things are comming back: Kropeczka (so small) standing in the middle of the room waiting for me to lift her up, her little macaroni-like tail, always clean fur so soft and smelling so nicely, her cleverness when she was discovering her environment, her patience to me and unconditional trust in us from the very first time she saw us (Kropeczka climbing my husband's arm just like that), eating that was the best not even from my hand, but only from my fingers, her speed of light when she was trotting on the carpet shaking her little bottom, her funny doggy-like positions while sleeping, unbeliveable stretching every time she walked out of the tubes, unauthorised trips to the other room, freaking out in a bowl, crowling under the grass, breaking speed records in the spinning wheel, big most funny and soft ears and scratching behind them (which she just LOVED), her little paws between my fingers, and so much more, but most of all the lullaby I used to sing to her very often and she liked to listen:

Mała Kropka smacznie śpi                        Little Kropka sleeps sweetly
i o serku sobie śni.                                         Dreaming about her little cheese
Mała Kropeczko nie bój się                        Don''t be affraid, little Kropeczka
Pańcia bardzo kocha cię.                            Your Mumsy loves you much

Mała Kropka sobie spała                            Little Kropka was sleeping
i o serku rozmyślała.                                    Thinking about her little cheese

Sweet dreams, my sweet Little Piratess, my little Fluffy Toughie, the most tough and brave! May the stormy waters carry you Home where your sister Lilly awaits you with a bowl full of nuts and smiles. I'm gonna light a candle in my window for you, so that this lanthern showed you the way     .........[i]..........

________________________________________


I don't feel like blogging anymore.
When we adopted Kropeczka I was hoping 
(I was so hoping) 
that she will stay with us a little bit longer...
I believed the faith won't be that cruel for such a small innocent creature 
who's already suffered so much in her childhood loosing her eye.
But nope.
The story had to repeat itself. 
It's just fucking unfair 
!!!!!!!!!!!!
If that's it, if that's the statistic hamster life lenght in my country, 
than I don't think I'm strong enough to get through this every year.  

 

Thursday, 14 March 2013

...

I was about to post about Kropeczka's first Anniversary with us but the only news that occupy my mind right now are sad. Very sad. After a normal, vivid and happy day full of hoarding and nesting because of cleaning the cage, last night Kropeczka suddenly felt very bad: I found her in her nest twisted as if she was partially paralized or in great pain. In my arms she felt like a ragdoll so about 2 a.m. we took her to the 24h Vet Clinic, my husband and I. It was freezing cold, so I wrapped the transporter in my woolen hat and so we got to the place which is - thankfully - not far from our home. Thanks God, there was a rodent specialist on the nightwatch, so Kropeczka was obducted thoroughly. The USG prooved that she's got two enormous cists (2 cm and 1 cm) near her liver that cause so much pain and phisical discomfort. The vet said, it's incurable. Without a surgery she's gonna get worse and worse. I love her very much [crying] and as much as I don't want to loose her, I don't want her to suffer for vain. So I decided we'll take the risk. If I'm to choose between putting her down or trying the surgery, I'm gonna fight for her till the end. I still have in mind her sight when she was USG examined, being held by me: her one eye so wise and conscious, staring at me constantly, as if she - patient and quiet like never before - KNEW we want to help her. In the night she got a painkiller and antiseptic, and this evening we're to come back for the check out. That's when the final decision will be made. I'm watching her sleeping now, but she's waking once in a while, grinding her teeth, which means she suffers huge discomfort. Please, say a pray for this sweet little God's creature.

Monday, 4 March 2013

THE RIDDLE

Last night I filled Kropeczka's bowl with fresh water. This morning I found the bowl empty. Entirely. The litter beside the bowl was wet - seems like the whole water sunk into it. The bowl itself, which is glass and heavy, stood like I had left it: untouched. Now, would anybody tell me, what Kropeczka has done? How the hec she managed to pour all the water around without turning over the bowl?! Did she carry it in her cheekpouches...? Do your hamsters do that, too...? :-)
 
JUST SNIFFING AROUND :-)